Queer Questions Straight Talk, an inside look

I wrote Queer Questions Straight Talk with Aunt Mimi, or Cousin Bob, or maybe your own mom in mind.  I thought it was time to stop expecting people to “get it” right off the bat.  While we are justifiably frustrated, even horrified, by the homophobia and ignorance we face, we understand on some level that most of the misinformation out there is because people don’t have the opportunity to talk, really talk, to an LGBT person.  Yes, there are fear-mongers who play on that lack of exposure; however, most people – especially in places like Iowa – are basically good and fair-minded.  We just need to get to them first.

There is lots of LGBT info floating around, to be sure, yet I still hear the same mystified whispers (“What do you do together?”), or grave concerns (“Aren’t you afraid your kids will be teased because they have two dads?”), or old stereotypes (“Did something happen to make you that way?”) that I did in the 80s.  In all my years of being out and generally cheerful about it, and despite “The Real Queer Bridesmaids of San Diego” or whatever is on Bravo tonight, well-meaning folks assume as much as they ever did that, for example, I am a lesbian because I’m angry at men.

While the answers to these questions may seem ridiculously obvious to us, important baseline information about LGBT life is clearly not getting transmitted to the people we care about. I suspect that two of the big reasons for this are (1) it’s not cool to be clueless about the gays – especially in “hip” places like West L.A. and Brooklyn Heights.  And (2) people think it’s none of their business.

This latter one comes from an unconscious sense that there is something inherently embarrassing about it all.  Haven’t you heard an otherwise silent-on-the-issue relative say, “I didn’t want to pry”?  What they mean is, “I have no idea what to say to you. Oh God, I never realized how much the ceiling needs cleaning right now.”

QQST is my permission slip for folks to be embarrassed and clueless.  It’s OK, I’m suggesting — we’ll cut them some slack if they are simply open to a conversation.  I’m also asking LGBT folks to give a little grace and patience to the people they love. Now, if you think your brother-in-law is completely set in his no-gays-no-way ways, don’t waste your energy.  It will frustrate you and he’ll tell people you’re recruiting him.  But for anyone else, if you think there’s any chance at all for some more understanding (on both your parts), I say give it a shot.

QQST is really about those questions – 108 of them. Before I started writing, I asked people to tell me any they’ve heard, had or wished someone would ask. Then I put (almost) all of them into one friendly little book. The idea is that if your cousin thinks she’s the first person who ever wanted to know what the whole butch/femme thing was about, she’s not, which is fine.  Or if your dad really doesn’t see what the big deal is about same-sex marriage, he can ask you.  No treatise, no manifesto, just honest, respectful conversation.  If your mom has no idea what to ask you, then QQST has some ideas.  I’ll bet more than a few have crossed her mind at some point.

I also provided handy guidance for the nervous straight person or the hesitant “LesBiGay.”  In a nutshell, there are two common-sense ground rules: “Don’t forget your manners” is one.  But the big one is, “If you’re asking from a place of love and respect, then there are no stupid questions.”

Even if you don’t even pick up QQST, I still want to hear LGBTs talking about our lives with their loved ones no matter how simplistic or “haven’t I already done this?” it feels.  Remember that if you can get there before Pat Robertson does, Aunt Mimi from Iowa might be one of your most committed allies.  It’s worth a try.

Abby Dees is a Los Angeles based civil rights attorney, speaker, editor and author. She has also been involved in lesbian, gay & bisexual rights and awareness work for 25 years. Abby has written a book called Queer Questions Straight Talk. For more information about the Abby and the book, please visit queerquestionsstraighttalk.com.