Deja Nicole Greenlaw
By: Deja Nicole Greenlaw*/TRT Columnist—
Every November, we hold a Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR). It’s the day we memorialize all of the transgender people who have lost their lives, especially those within the past year. Many of these transpeople were brutally beaten, stabbed multiple times, shot, stoned until their skull was crushed, beheaded, burned, strangled, hung, tortured, bludgeoned with a hammer, or run over by a car. This year, one of the deceased was tied to a block of concrete and thrown into a body of water. Another body was discarded in a dumpster. The respect for the life of these transgender people completely vanished. Why? What happens? How can there be so little or no regard whatsoever for another human life?
This is not true for all cases, but often the violence unfolds when a cisgender man meets a transwoman and they make love. After the love has been made, something happens to him and he snaps and brutally kills his lover. Many folks believe that the man snaps because he thinks that he is going to make love to a genetic woman, but when he discovers that she has a penis, he panics and kills her. That’s not always the case. Often, the man knows the woman is trans and she is exactly who he wants. They make love, but soon afterward he unravels and kills her, most often using very grisly methods. [pullquote]On this Day of Remembrance, we also memorialize our brothers and sisters who took their own lives. We can’t say exactly why they took their own lives, but we can assume that it was too much for them to carry on.[/pullquote]
Can you imagine being a woman with a man and things begin to click? First there is kissing, then foreplay and then you are making love. Everything is like a dream. You are a woman with your man, and it’s wonderful. After the love act, you may be lying there with your head upon his chest, with him holding you, and suddenly he inexplicably physically attacks you. Your moment of bliss turns into the nightmare of being brutally murdered. How could this happen? What made him commit this horrible act? I can’t say for sure. All I know is that it happens.
On this Day of Remembrance, we also memorialize our brothers and sisters who took their own lives. We can’t say exactly why they took their own lives, but we can assume that it was too much for them to carry on. Let’s face it: the burden of being trans is not slight. You are often forced to deal with having a body that does not match who you really are. If that’s not enough to drive you crazy, consider that you are forced to deal with others who don’t understand your situation. They may make fun of you, humiliate you, bully you, call you crazy, or refuse to even associate with you. You may feel that you are detached from society, on the outside of life, left all alone, and it may be too much to take anymore.
It may be hard for someone who is not transgender to understand what life is like for a transgender person. I can tell you that we have to work through stages of confusion, shame, guilt, fear, and finally, acceptance. This is all work that we do on the inside to finally get our life together. Then we move to the outside work with friends, family, coworkers, and peers. Sometimes problems in the outside work send us back to the stages of the inside work.
I suggest attending a Transgender Day of Remembrance event this year. Prepare to be shocked and to feel a deep sadness, as it can get pretty intense. To experience it further, I urge you to partake in the program by asking to read aloud the sentence or two about one of the transpeople who lost their life. It’s a moving experience and it will help you to be more aware. If you can’t make a TDOR event in person, then at least please visit the official site (http://tiny.cc/pcri5w). You will be moved by exploring the information and stories there.
*Deja Nicole Greenlaw is a local transwoman who has three grown children and works at 3M. She can be contacted at dejavudeja@sbcglobal.net.
